I went for a jog today. That alone could be counted as a miracle. I don't jog, or run. I prefer working out doing something fun like dancing or jump on the bed with my two year old, but for some reason I needed to go for a jog today, and so I did.
Now I wasn't jogging in my normal neighborhood, but my parents which is a different city than I. My mom had tried to explain about this cool path that lead to these stairs and through a peaceful forest, but I am honestly too visual to comprehend what she was saying and decided I would just go where I felt lead. I sort of hoped I might get a little lost along the way.
As I began my jog I began to remember why I had started jogging my senior year. Even if you are not very fit, there is something so therapeutic about mindlessly moving at a fast past out in fresh air with your favorite music blaring in your ears. I jogged along the main road mostly until I passed a road that seemed to call my name. This street was a steep hill, so I slowed down to a power walk and began to trek up it. Soon I saw a sign saying "Bumps Ahead". As my mind idled on the sign I came to a realization: no one ever avoids a street that leads to the destination because of the warning of bumps in the road. Doesn't that sound like an absurd thing to do? So, why then do we do it in life?
Most people know that the last three months of my life have been bumpier than riding up a dried up creek bed in a covered wagon. However, I wouldn't trade them for the world. I have grown more in the last 11 weeks than I have probably since the first year of my life. Every bump, with the shake and rattle it has caused in my life has removed heavy and unimportant weights that have been holding me back, slowing me from getting to God's best.
As I continued up the road the hill became steeper and steeper and despite my attempt to take a side street to avoid it, I soon realized that conquring that hill was my only option. Once I finally wheezed to the top, I looked down to see a staircase, leading to a path in a beautiful forest area. I couldn't help but smile. I giggled to myself about how symbolic that is of life. How sometimes, the difficult road labeled with "bumps ahead" and hills so steep we try to avoid them will be the road that leads us to the beautiful path that others tried to tell us about from the beginning.
During my cool down walk through the forest worship began to play on my iPod. I couldn't help but sing. There was a fleating moment of concern for if someone could hear my out of breath harmonies being belted across the forest, but that quickly passed. God HAD to be worshiped in that moment. If there is anything I have learned in this last season it is to give the Father Glory when He shows Himself and in that moment, He was walking right beside me on the amazingly beautiful path He had laid out for me before I even set out on my jog.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Monday, May 21, 2012
Ostrich
I sat in the front row of church yesterday. Some people will read that sentence and think "so," while others will feel that their face distort in disgust and ask, "why". I relate mostly to the latter. I'm a middle row person myself. I like to be able to see but not be seen. However, yesterday as I stood in the back of the congregation during worship trying to stake out a middle row spot, I felt a stirring to sit in front. So as the middle school group left the front two rows I headed toward the second row, it was still close to the front, right? Nope. Like a child being led by a parent I felt God firmly whisper in my ear "that spot." So I reluctantly, but obediently, sat and listened as a fellow church member filled in for our vacationing pastor and fully allowed God to speak through him.
I believe it was Steve's plan to talk about Job, but with one verse he was suddenly off talking about an ostrich and the next thing I know he was talking about me in front of the whole church. Not only was he talking about me (which I HATE), but he was talking about one of my biggest internal struggles. Worship has always been a struggle for me, not because I can't get there with God, but because I get so lost in God that I fear distracting others around me from connecting with God. I feel a deep responsibility to lead others to get closer with God through worship and to not hinder them. I always fear that I will be standing there, fully worshiping with all my heart, and someone will be distracted by the crazy girl dancing and belting it out in the middle row. Or worse, that I will be lost in worship, singing my heart out and irritating the crap out of the person sitting in front of me who is forced to listen to my loud vocals. God knows my heart and here He was calling me and the lie I was believing out. One of the few times that I had just needed to be close to Him so badly I choose to not care who I distracted, I BLESSED someone.
Job 39: 13-18 (The Message)
I believe it was Steve's plan to talk about Job, but with one verse he was suddenly off talking about an ostrich and the next thing I know he was talking about me in front of the whole church. Not only was he talking about me (which I HATE), but he was talking about one of my biggest internal struggles. Worship has always been a struggle for me, not because I can't get there with God, but because I get so lost in God that I fear distracting others around me from connecting with God. I feel a deep responsibility to lead others to get closer with God through worship and to not hinder them. I always fear that I will be standing there, fully worshiping with all my heart, and someone will be distracted by the crazy girl dancing and belting it out in the middle row. Or worse, that I will be lost in worship, singing my heart out and irritating the crap out of the person sitting in front of me who is forced to listen to my loud vocals. God knows my heart and here He was calling me and the lie I was believing out. One of the few times that I had just needed to be close to Him so badly I choose to not care who I distracted, I BLESSED someone.
Job 39: 13-18 (The Message)
13-18 "The ostrich flaps her wings futilely—
all those beautiful feathers, but useless!
She lays her eggs on the hard ground,
leaves them there in the dirt, exposed to the weather,
Not caring that they might get stepped on and cracked
or trampled by some wild animal.
She's negligent with her young, as if they weren't even hers.
She cares nothing about anything.
She wasn't created very smart, that's for sure,
wasn't given her share of good sense.
But when she runs, oh, how she runs,
laughing, leaving horse and rider in the dust.."
all those beautiful feathers, but useless!
She lays her eggs on the hard ground,
leaves them there in the dirt, exposed to the weather,
Not caring that they might get stepped on and cracked
or trampled by some wild animal.
She's negligent with her young, as if they weren't even hers.
She cares nothing about anything.
She wasn't created very smart, that's for sure,
wasn't given her share of good sense.
But when she runs, oh, how she runs,
laughing, leaving horse and rider in the dust.."
"God looks at an ostrich as says 'the ostrich is stupid and I am pleased with this because I created it to be so. I created her to glorify me when she runs.'" (Steve May)
Steve has no idea of my struggle with worship, nor did he understand how much this tied into his ostrich verse. Here I have been, an ostrich, trying to be smart, trying to be
something God did not create me to be and all He wants me to do is laugh
and run.
As I sat there yesterday, processing what God was communicating to me, it was almost audible, "you are following Me, but you're not trusting Me!" It was one of those statements I instantly knew was truth and I couldn't even attempt to deny it. I know God's will is what I need to be living in, but I have not been trusting God that He knows my heart and will fulfill all my needs if I follow Him fully. I have not given Him my desires and struggles, but instead clenched them in my fist and I follow Him, believing that He cares more about His ultimate plan then He does for those precious desires clenched close to my heart. What I feel God did yesterday was stop in His tracks, turn around and kneel closely in front of me with His hand gently opened while He said, "show them to Me. Tell Me about them. Let Me hold them. Trust Me!" With a servant's heart I think it is easy to forget who the biggest servant ever is, Jesus! God wants to serve us! He wants to do little and big things for us! Jesus asks us, "What do you want me to do for you?" (Mark 10:51) and He will do it! So often I forget God created me to glorify Him. He created the desires in my heart and so He wants to help me make them a reality while I serve Him. I don't have to choose following God or the desires of my heart. I get to have both! I don't have to choose between being a mom and using my mind or helping others. I GET TO DO BOTH!
Jeremiah 29:11-14 (NLT)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. 12 In those days when you pray, I will listen. 13 If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. 14 I will be found by you,” says the Lord.
“I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. I will gather you
out of the nations where I sent you and will bring you home again to
your own land.”
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Grace
The past 3 months have flown by! It has been event, after birthday, after final, after event and so on. That last 24 hours have felt a bit slower and, for just a moment, I have began to take it all in. I took a big, long, refreshing whiff and all I can say is I am breathing Grace.
I am a terrible blogger, but every once in a while I get the impression that its time. I'm not sure if it's because God wants to bless someone with what I am going through or if it is just to help me process. I guess I hope for both. When I think about the last time I blogged, all I can think of is darkness. I was feeling pain so deep that it was difficult to remember to breath. Now I can look back an smile. God is faithful. I remember the promise I wrote down: when God removes something, he often replaces in it's place something far better and more abundant than what was previously there. Oh boy did He do that! I lost my sister, but I gained a group of new ones that never stop amazing me! I am humbled by the women I am surrounded by on a daily basis and have built a relationships stronger in 6 months than I had in 15 years. I gained brothers. I am suddenly surrounded by REAL men. Men who are constantly seeking God, who genuinely love my family and who I am elated for my husband to be building relationships with.
How did this happen? How did I go from feeling as if my heart had been removed from my body to all of the sudden having so much joy that I am afraid it is going to split my skin open? God's grace. My heavenly Father knows me, He knows how I heal and provided the opportunity for me to do so and not even realize it. Every time bitterness or anger would creep in, I would then think of my own sin and hear "it's forgiven." The reverse would be true for the people who hurt me, "it's forgiven". It's over. It's in the past. I love the scene from the Lion King when Rafiki smack's Simba on the head and Simba responds with "What was that for?!" Rafiki replies, "it doesn't matter, it's in the past." Simba rubs his head, "yeah, but it still hurts." Rafiki smiles, "ah yes, the past can hurt." Isn't that the truth? But we have a choice, we can let it continue to hurt, or we can choose to let it be a tool for growth. I never want to go back to who I was a year ago. Not because it wasn't fun, because some of it really was, and not soley because of the pain it caused. I never want to go back to who I was because I want what is in front of me. I want what God has promised me, and I want to continue to walk in the grace He promises to give to get me there. I feel like I just kept walking where God told me to, with my head drooping and suddenly when I looked up, I was surrounded by light and beauty. If God can lead me there when I am not looking, what can He do when I am chasing Him?! I am so excited to find out.
I am a terrible blogger, but every once in a while I get the impression that its time. I'm not sure if it's because God wants to bless someone with what I am going through or if it is just to help me process. I guess I hope for both. When I think about the last time I blogged, all I can think of is darkness. I was feeling pain so deep that it was difficult to remember to breath. Now I can look back an smile. God is faithful. I remember the promise I wrote down: when God removes something, he often replaces in it's place something far better and more abundant than what was previously there. Oh boy did He do that! I lost my sister, but I gained a group of new ones that never stop amazing me! I am humbled by the women I am surrounded by on a daily basis and have built a relationships stronger in 6 months than I had in 15 years. I gained brothers. I am suddenly surrounded by REAL men. Men who are constantly seeking God, who genuinely love my family and who I am elated for my husband to be building relationships with.
How did this happen? How did I go from feeling as if my heart had been removed from my body to all of the sudden having so much joy that I am afraid it is going to split my skin open? God's grace. My heavenly Father knows me, He knows how I heal and provided the opportunity for me to do so and not even realize it. Every time bitterness or anger would creep in, I would then think of my own sin and hear "it's forgiven." The reverse would be true for the people who hurt me, "it's forgiven". It's over. It's in the past. I love the scene from the Lion King when Rafiki smack's Simba on the head and Simba responds with "What was that for?!" Rafiki replies, "it doesn't matter, it's in the past." Simba rubs his head, "yeah, but it still hurts." Rafiki smiles, "ah yes, the past can hurt." Isn't that the truth? But we have a choice, we can let it continue to hurt, or we can choose to let it be a tool for growth. I never want to go back to who I was a year ago. Not because it wasn't fun, because some of it really was, and not soley because of the pain it caused. I never want to go back to who I was because I want what is in front of me. I want what God has promised me, and I want to continue to walk in the grace He promises to give to get me there. I feel like I just kept walking where God told me to, with my head drooping and suddenly when I looked up, I was surrounded by light and beauty. If God can lead me there when I am not looking, what can He do when I am chasing Him?! I am so excited to find out.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Confession
I don't do hurt well. I suck at being the victim. I fail at failure.
I am trying really hard to grow and be mature, but I don't do hurt well. I am a silent and angry hurter. I hide myself away from everyone and only let them see the surface. I speak with my head and hide my bleeding heart. For those around me that know how much I hurt, or love me enough to be able to read when I am hurting, I am short and frustrated. I push them away to protect myself from having to be vulnerable.
I am strong, always have been. Life has thrown some crazy things at me and I just learn to dance around them. I suck at being the victim. I cannot own the pain that others have caused me. Instead I play it off with thick skin, trying to turn that hurt into anger so that I can turn it into motivation to work even harder to be even stronger so that I will not be weak.
I take pride in being a good and dependable person. I like to be the one who's got her shit together that people come to when they have problems and I listen and offer advice when it is solicited. I fail at failure. I beat myself up and get so frustrated at myself for not being perfect. I mull over and over and over my mistakes, grilling them into my brain so I will never again be a failure.
Today I hurt so deep because people who said they loved me hurt me because I was not being the person I was supposed to be. All of the pieces of my world are shattered and will never fit back together, so I am struggling to make a new picture, but it's so hard to see the light when everything is so dark. I don't know how to be weak. I don't know how to be vulnerable. I don't know how to forgive myself for making mistakes.
I had hoped God would keep the peace He had placed over my heart over all of this, but He didn't. I feel it all slowly creeping in. I can only see a small corner and I am already so overwhelmed. I can completely own my mistakes, my mom raised me well that way. But I look at the overall picture and I see how blind I was to the mistakes of others. I want to be angry, I want to hate them but all I do is HURT. I feel the horrible lies of "well then I guess I wasn't worth it" creep in and I HATE them and push them away because I KNOW better thanks to love of my heavenly Father. But what does that leave then? Do I think negatively of people who I love the most in my life? I can't. I just cannot believe in my heart horrible things about people who I love so dearly despite the hurt they have caused me. So then what?
I am left with the hole in my heart that aches so bad and no one to blame. No where to channel the pain, no motivation to create. I have daily reminders of how much I hurt and no where to focus that emotion. So I hide and I cry and I hurt. I own the pain that others have caused me. I forgive myself for my failures. Over and over and over. This is all I can do and hope that at some point it will start hurting a little less and I will start healing.
I am trying really hard to grow and be mature, but I don't do hurt well. I am a silent and angry hurter. I hide myself away from everyone and only let them see the surface. I speak with my head and hide my bleeding heart. For those around me that know how much I hurt, or love me enough to be able to read when I am hurting, I am short and frustrated. I push them away to protect myself from having to be vulnerable.
I am strong, always have been. Life has thrown some crazy things at me and I just learn to dance around them. I suck at being the victim. I cannot own the pain that others have caused me. Instead I play it off with thick skin, trying to turn that hurt into anger so that I can turn it into motivation to work even harder to be even stronger so that I will not be weak.
I take pride in being a good and dependable person. I like to be the one who's got her shit together that people come to when they have problems and I listen and offer advice when it is solicited. I fail at failure. I beat myself up and get so frustrated at myself for not being perfect. I mull over and over and over my mistakes, grilling them into my brain so I will never again be a failure.
Today I hurt so deep because people who said they loved me hurt me because I was not being the person I was supposed to be. All of the pieces of my world are shattered and will never fit back together, so I am struggling to make a new picture, but it's so hard to see the light when everything is so dark. I don't know how to be weak. I don't know how to be vulnerable. I don't know how to forgive myself for making mistakes.
I had hoped God would keep the peace He had placed over my heart over all of this, but He didn't. I feel it all slowly creeping in. I can only see a small corner and I am already so overwhelmed. I can completely own my mistakes, my mom raised me well that way. But I look at the overall picture and I see how blind I was to the mistakes of others. I want to be angry, I want to hate them but all I do is HURT. I feel the horrible lies of "well then I guess I wasn't worth it" creep in and I HATE them and push them away because I KNOW better thanks to love of my heavenly Father. But what does that leave then? Do I think negatively of people who I love the most in my life? I can't. I just cannot believe in my heart horrible things about people who I love so dearly despite the hurt they have caused me. So then what?
I am left with the hole in my heart that aches so bad and no one to blame. No where to channel the pain, no motivation to create. I have daily reminders of how much I hurt and no where to focus that emotion. So I hide and I cry and I hurt. I own the pain that others have caused me. I forgive myself for my failures. Over and over and over. This is all I can do and hope that at some point it will start hurting a little less and I will start healing.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Change
Recently I was reading a blog where a young woman who I admire talked about God speaking a word for her year. I thought about what a cool thing that was in her personal relationship with God and moved on. Now, here I sit, wide awake at 4:30 in the morning with my word (even though I didn't ask for one): Change. What a scary word and yet what amazing potential it has.
Reflecting on 2011 I feel like I spent this last year being the ugliest person I have ever been. I made selfish decisions over and over again because I began to believe that the world had something to teach me that God didn't want me to know. (Hmm... where have we heard that lie before?) In the process of devouring my "apple" that the world gave me, I believe I hurt almost everyone around me and especially those close to me. Toward the end of the year I began to turn it around, regain focus on God's plan for my life and the amazing people He has surrounded me with. Yet in the mist of it, something still felt like a cloud over me even though I couldn't quite put my finger on it.
There is a Reliant K song that says "I'll kill the thing turns me away, amputate the arm that will disobey." That line has always made me quiver. Really? You would cut off your own arm? The thing I never realized was, two years ago when I released my own will to God, I gave him permission to amputate for me when I didn't have the strength. He did that today and boy does it hurt.
"Change," He whispers. I know He means good change, one that will make me stronger and healthier in the end. However, change means pruning and growth, both which are painful. Change means doing things differently then you have in the past and most of the time that feels unnatural. This is going to feel so unnatural for sure.
What I love so much about God is His grace. In this moment of deep pain He refuses to let me have a pity party or take responsibility that isn't mine to bare. While there is so much pain there is also this crazy peace, a relief. I know this is what's best for me, for my family, for God's kingdom. I will survive this and come out stronger on the other side. I will change.
Another thing I love about God is that I have found when he "amputates" a limb, He often replaces it with a new and most often better one. This limb He has removed from me is not replaceable, but that does not mean that God cannot fill the whole it has left with something far greater then I could have asked for. He promises to do so, as long as it leads you closer to Him. I'm calling Him out on His promise on this one!
Change. It feels big. While I am terrified, I am trusting God on this one. That's the only way to go, right?
Reflecting on 2011 I feel like I spent this last year being the ugliest person I have ever been. I made selfish decisions over and over again because I began to believe that the world had something to teach me that God didn't want me to know. (Hmm... where have we heard that lie before?) In the process of devouring my "apple" that the world gave me, I believe I hurt almost everyone around me and especially those close to me. Toward the end of the year I began to turn it around, regain focus on God's plan for my life and the amazing people He has surrounded me with. Yet in the mist of it, something still felt like a cloud over me even though I couldn't quite put my finger on it.
There is a Reliant K song that says "I'll kill the thing turns me away, amputate the arm that will disobey." That line has always made me quiver. Really? You would cut off your own arm? The thing I never realized was, two years ago when I released my own will to God, I gave him permission to amputate for me when I didn't have the strength. He did that today and boy does it hurt.
"Change," He whispers. I know He means good change, one that will make me stronger and healthier in the end. However, change means pruning and growth, both which are painful. Change means doing things differently then you have in the past and most of the time that feels unnatural. This is going to feel so unnatural for sure.
What I love so much about God is His grace. In this moment of deep pain He refuses to let me have a pity party or take responsibility that isn't mine to bare. While there is so much pain there is also this crazy peace, a relief. I know this is what's best for me, for my family, for God's kingdom. I will survive this and come out stronger on the other side. I will change.
Another thing I love about God is that I have found when he "amputates" a limb, He often replaces it with a new and most often better one. This limb He has removed from me is not replaceable, but that does not mean that God cannot fill the whole it has left with something far greater then I could have asked for. He promises to do so, as long as it leads you closer to Him. I'm calling Him out on His promise on this one!
Change. It feels big. While I am terrified, I am trusting God on this one. That's the only way to go, right?
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