Grace

The past 3 months have flown by! It has been event, after birthday, after final, after event and so on. That last 24 hours have felt a bit slower and, for just a moment, I have began to take it all in. I took a big, long, refreshing whiff and all I can say is I am breathing Grace.

I am a terrible blogger, but every once in a while I get the impression that its time. I'm not sure if it's because God wants to bless someone with what I am going through or if it is just to help me process. I guess I hope for both. When I think about the last time I blogged, all I can think of is darkness. I was feeling pain so deep that it was difficult to remember to breath. Now I can look back an smile. God is faithful. I remember the promise I wrote down: when God removes something, he often replaces in it's place something far better and more abundant than what was previously there. Oh boy did He do that! I lost my sister, but I gained a group of new ones that never stop amazing me! I am humbled by the women I am surrounded by on a daily basis and have built a relationships stronger in 6 months than I had in 15 years. I gained brothers. I am suddenly surrounded by REAL men. Men who are constantly seeking God, who genuinely love my family and who I am elated for my husband to be building relationships with. 

How did this happen? How did I go from feeling as if my heart had been removed from my body to all of the sudden having so much joy that I am afraid it is going to split my skin open? God's grace. My heavenly Father knows me, He knows how I heal and provided the opportunity for me to do so and not even realize it. Every time bitterness or anger would creep in, I would then think of my own sin and hear "it's forgiven." The reverse would be true for the people who hurt me, "it's forgiven". It's over. It's in the past. I love the scene from the Lion King when Rafiki smack's Simba on the head and Simba responds with "What was that for?!" Rafiki replies, "it doesn't matter, it's in the past." Simba rubs his head, "yeah, but it still hurts." Rafiki smiles, "ah yes, the past can hurt." Isn't that the truth? But we have a choice, we can let it continue to hurt, or we can choose to let it be a tool for growth. I never want to go back to who I was a year ago. Not because it wasn't fun, because some of it really was, and not soley because of the pain it caused. I never want to go back to who I was because I want what is in front of me. I want what God has promised me, and I want to continue to walk in the grace He promises to give to get me there. I feel like I just kept walking where God told me to, with my head drooping and suddenly when I looked up, I was surrounded by light and beauty. If God can lead me there when I am not looking, what can He do when I am chasing Him?! I am so excited to find out.