Confession

I don't do hurt well. I suck at being the victim. I fail at failure.

I am trying really hard to grow and be mature, but I don't do hurt well. I am a silent and angry hurter. I hide myself away from everyone and only let them see the surface. I speak with my head and hide my bleeding heart. For those around me that know how much I hurt, or love me enough to be able to read when I am hurting, I am short and frustrated. I push them away to protect myself from having to be vulnerable.

I am strong, always have been. Life has thrown some crazy things at me and I just learn to dance around them. I suck at being the victim. I cannot own the pain that others have caused me. Instead I play it off with thick skin, trying to turn that hurt into anger so that I can turn it into motivation to work even harder to be even stronger so that I will not be weak.

I take pride in being a good and dependable person. I like to be the one who's got her shit together that people come to when they have problems and I listen and offer advice when it is solicited. I fail at failure. I beat myself up and get so frustrated at myself for not being perfect. I mull over and over and over my mistakes, grilling them into my brain so I will never again be a failure.

Today I hurt so deep because people who said they loved me hurt me because I was not being the person I was supposed to be. All of the pieces of my world are shattered and will never fit back together, so I am struggling to make a new picture, but it's so hard to see the light when everything is so dark. I don't know how to be weak. I don't know how to be vulnerable. I don't know how to forgive myself for making mistakes.

I had hoped God would keep the peace He had placed over my heart over all of this, but He didn't. I feel it all slowly creeping in. I can only see a small corner and I am already so overwhelmed. I can completely own my mistakes, my mom raised me well that way. But I look at the overall picture and I see how blind I was to the mistakes of others. I want to be angry, I want to hate them but all I do is HURT. I feel the horrible lies of "well then I guess I wasn't worth it" creep in and I HATE them and push them away because I KNOW better thanks to love of my heavenly Father. But what does that leave then? Do I think negatively of people who I love the most in my life? I can't. I just cannot believe in my heart horrible things about people who I love so dearly despite the hurt they have caused me. So then what?

I am left with the hole in my heart that aches so bad and no one to blame. No where to channel the pain, no motivation to create. I have daily reminders of how much I hurt and no where to focus that emotion. So I hide and I cry and I hurt. I own the pain that others have caused me. I forgive myself for my failures. Over and over and over. This is all I can do and hope that at some point it will start hurting a little less and I will start healing.