Change

Recently I was reading a blog where a young woman who I admire talked about God speaking a word for her year. I thought about what a cool thing that was in her personal relationship with God and moved on. Now, here I sit, wide awake at 4:30 in the morning with my word (even though I didn't ask for one): Change. What a scary word and yet what amazing potential it has.

Reflecting on 2011 I feel like I spent this last year being the ugliest person I have ever been. I made selfish decisions over and over again because I began to believe that the world had something to teach me that God didn't want me to know. (Hmm... where have we heard that lie before?) In the process of devouring my "apple" that the world gave me, I believe I hurt almost everyone around me and especially those close to me. Toward the end of the year I began to turn it around, regain focus on God's plan for my life and the amazing people He has surrounded me with. Yet in the mist of it, something still felt like a cloud over me even though I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

There is a Reliant K song that says "I'll kill the thing turns me away, amputate the arm that will disobey." That line has always made me quiver. Really? You would cut off your own arm? The thing I never realized was, two years ago when I released my own will to God, I gave him permission to amputate for me when I didn't have the strength. He did that today and boy does it hurt.

"Change," He whispers. I know He means good change, one that will make me stronger and healthier in the end. However, change means pruning and growth, both which are painful. Change means doing things differently then you have in the past and most of the time that feels unnatural. This is going to feel so unnatural for sure.

What I love so much about God is His grace. In this moment of deep pain He refuses to let me have a pity party or take responsibility that isn't mine to bare. While there is so much pain there is also this crazy peace, a relief. I know this is what's best for me, for my family, for God's kingdom. I will survive this and come out stronger on the other side. I will change.

Another thing I love about God is that I have found when he "amputates" a limb, He often replaces it with a new and most often better one. This limb He has removed from me is not replaceable, but that does not mean that God cannot fill the whole it has left with something far greater then I could have asked for. He promises to do so, as long as it leads you closer to Him. I'm calling Him out on His promise on this one!

Change. It feels big. While I am terrified, I am trusting God on this one. That's the only way to go, right?