Most of the inspirations for this blog are sort of base off Jesus ah-ha! moment. This entry, however, is not. This is a little bit different then my normal blogs and so I caution the reader, if you choose to continue, know that this a more a confession then a revelation. It's me realizing it's time to wake up and put my big girl panties on. This realization is brought to you by an episode of Desperate Housewives.
At some point in our lives we are taught to believe that marriage is blissful, perfect, and you will always be happy. Sure, there will be times of struggle, but no matter what you will always have that deep connection with your mate that will pull you through and if it doesn't, you simply were not meant to be. We are taught that love is an emotion that comes, and it makes you always want to put your spouse first. At some point in our lives we are taught lies about marriage, and at some point we will realize it's all bullshit.
The day I married my husband I had no doubts. I believed I loved him more then the moon and stars and that I would always feel that way. The day I married my husband I was a fool.
Forward down the road some years and a baby and you come to where we are now. Distant. Empty. Tired. Broken. All of the things we were before we "feel in love." We have learned that despite what all the Disney stories tell us, one will never be good enough for the other. We can never meet one another's ever need and we will never make each other happy. We are learning that love was not that incredibly powerful emotion that brought us together, but it is looking at each other knowing our short comings, and choosing to stay anyway.
How does Desperate Housewives play into this you ask? During the last week I have been super sick, living on the couch watching Netflix. I believe it's episode 68, but Lynnette has been working the family Pizzaria while her husband is home in bed after back surgery. Her assistant manager, Rick, has been cooking her an amazing dinner every night and they have been flirting while enjoying each-other's company. In this episode, Rick addresses the fact that they have grown to have feelings for each other and Lynnette gets super angry. She says "Yes we were flirting, and that's all we can ever do because I am married and now it has to end."
That moment gave me chills. Here she is, with a strained marriage, five kids, and a gorgeous (and I believe younger) man is trying to steal her heart, and she honors her promise. I know so many can argue that she may have over stepped a boundary, but she addresses the fact that there is one there and that she has been dancing on, but refuses to cross. No matter how awful her husband has been, no matter how strained their marriage, no matter how pissed off she was at him, she choose to keep her promise.
Earlier in the show Tom, Lynnette's husband, invites Rick to lunch and calls him out on his affection for Lynnette. Tom informs Rick that he needs to quit because of his feelings for Lynnette. When Rick refuses, Tom tells Rick that all he is going to accomplish is putting a huge hole in Lynnette's marriage and cause her pain, but that eventually the hole will heal. Tom stands firm that no matter what, he chooses to stand by his wife. He chooses to honor his promise.
Insert wake up call. My husband and I have been working hard at saving our marriage for almost a year now, sometimes one party harder then the other. There have been moments of hurt, of weakness, of anger, but the one thing we've never done, is left. I have been a horrible wife somedays, a wife that most would consider leaving, but he never did. He's been an awful husband a few times, a lot of women would have left, I never did. We've honored our promise. I felt that "ah-ha!" moment and a sense of relief. Just because we don't feel all goo-goo gaga anymore, doesn't mean we don't love each other. The fact that we choose to stay married, we choose to not leave, we choose to do the work, that is love.
So love is work. Love is a choice. Love is a verb. In order for a marriage to work, you must work. That's how you earn those blissful moments, that amazing sense of safety and security, but working at it, together, and keeping your promise to stay. No matter what.
