Ostrich

I sat in the front row of church yesterday. Some people will read that sentence and think "so," while others will feel that their face distort in disgust and ask, "why". I relate mostly to the latter. I'm a middle row person myself. I like to be able to see but not be seen. However, yesterday as I stood in the back of the congregation during worship trying to stake out a middle row spot, I felt a stirring to sit in front. So as the middle school group left the front two rows I headed toward the second row, it was still close to the front, right? Nope. Like a child being led by a parent I felt God firmly whisper in my ear "that spot." So I reluctantly, but obediently, sat and listened as a fellow church member filled in for our vacationing pastor and fully allowed God to speak through him.

I believe it was Steve's plan to talk about Job, but with one verse he was suddenly off talking about an ostrich and the next thing I know he was talking about me in front of the whole church. Not only was he talking about me (which I HATE), but he was talking about one of my biggest internal struggles. Worship has always been a struggle for me, not because I can't get there with God, but because I get so lost in God that I fear distracting others around me from connecting with God.  I feel a deep responsibility to lead others to get closer with God through worship and to not hinder them. I always fear that I will be standing there, fully worshiping with all my heart, and someone will be distracted by the crazy girl dancing and belting it out in the middle row. Or worse, that I will be lost in worship, singing my heart out and irritating the crap out of the person sitting in front of me who is forced to listen to my loud vocals. God knows my heart and here He was calling me and the lie I was believing out. One of the few times that I had just needed to be close to Him so badly I choose to not care who I distracted, I BLESSED someone.

Job 39: 13-18 (The Message)

 ^13-18 "The ostrich flaps her wings futilely—
   all those beautiful feathers, but useless!
She lays her eggs on the hard ground,
   leaves them there in the dirt, exposed to the weather,
Not caring that they might get stepped on and cracked
   or trampled by some wild animal.
She's negligent with her young, as if they weren't even hers.
   She cares nothing about anything.
She wasn't created very smart, that's for sure,
   wasn't given her share of good sense.
But when she runs, oh, how she runs,
   laughing, leaving horse and rider in the dust.."

"God looks at an ostrich as says 'the ostrich is stupid and I am pleased with this because I created it to be so. I created her to glorify me when she runs.'" (Steve May)

Steve has no idea of my struggle with worship, nor did he understand how much this tied into his ostrich verse. Here I have been, an ostrich, trying to be smart, trying to be something God did not create me to be and all He wants me to do is laugh and run.

As I sat there yesterday, processing what God was communicating to me, it was almost audible, "you are following Me, but you're not trusting Me!" It was one of those statements I instantly knew was truth and I couldn't even attempt to deny it. I know God's will is what I need to be living in, but I have not been trusting God that He knows my heart and will fulfill all my needs if I follow Him fully. I have not given Him my desires and struggles, but instead clenched them in my fist and I follow Him, believing that He cares more about His ultimate plan then He does for those precious desires clenched close to my heart. What I feel God did yesterday was stop in His tracks, turn around and kneel closely in front of me with His hand gently opened while He said, "show them to Me. Tell Me about them. Let Me hold them. Trust Me!"  With a servant's heart I think it is easy to forget who the biggest servant ever is, Jesus! God wants to serve us! He wants to do little and big things for us! Jesus asks us, "What do you want me to do for you?" (Mark 10:51) and He will do it! So often I forget God created me to glorify Him. He created the desires in my heart and so He wants to help me make them a reality while I serve Him. I don't have to choose following God or the desires of my heart. I get to have both! I don't have to choose between being a mom and using my mind or helping others. I GET TO DO BOTH!  

Jeremiah 29:11-14 (NLT)

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. ¹² In those days when you pray, I will listen. ¹³ If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. ¹⁴ I will be found by you,” says the Lord. “I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and will bring you home again to your own land.”

 

Grace

The past 3 months have flown by! It has been event, after birthday, after final, after event and so on. That last 24 hours have felt a bit slower and, for just a moment, I have began to take it all in. I took a big, long, refreshing whiff and all I can say is I am breathing Grace.

I am a terrible blogger, but every once in a while I get the impression that its time. I'm not sure if it's because God wants to bless someone with what I am going through or if it is just to help me process. I guess I hope for both. When I think about the last time I blogged, all I can think of is darkness. I was feeling pain so deep that it was difficult to remember to breath. Now I can look back an smile. God is faithful. I remember the promise I wrote down: when God removes something, he often replaces in it's place something far better and more abundant than what was previously there. Oh boy did He do that! I lost my sister, but I gained a group of new ones that never stop amazing me! I am humbled by the women I am surrounded by on a daily basis and have built a relationships stronger in 6 months than I had in 15 years. I gained brothers. I am suddenly surrounded by REAL men. Men who are constantly seeking God, who genuinely love my family and who I am elated for my husband to be building relationships with. 

How did this happen? How did I go from feeling as if my heart had been removed from my body to all of the sudden having so much joy that I am afraid it is going to split my skin open? God's grace. My heavenly Father knows me, He knows how I heal and provided the opportunity for me to do so and not even realize it. Every time bitterness or anger would creep in, I would then think of my own sin and hear "it's forgiven." The reverse would be true for the people who hurt me, "it's forgiven". It's over. It's in the past. I love the scene from the Lion King when Rafiki smack's Simba on the head and Simba responds with "What was that for?!" Rafiki replies, "it doesn't matter, it's in the past." Simba rubs his head, "yeah, but it still hurts." Rafiki smiles, "ah yes, the past can hurt." Isn't that the truth? But we have a choice, we can let it continue to hurt, or we can choose to let it be a tool for growth. I never want to go back to who I was a year ago. Not because it wasn't fun, because some of it really was, and not soley because of the pain it caused. I never want to go back to who I was because I want what is in front of me. I want what God has promised me, and I want to continue to walk in the grace He promises to give to get me there. I feel like I just kept walking where God told me to, with my head drooping and suddenly when I looked up, I was surrounded by light and beauty. If God can lead me there when I am not looking, what can He do when I am chasing Him?! I am so excited to find out.