I don't do hurt well. I suck at being the victim. I fail at failure.
I am trying really hard to grow and be mature, but I don't do hurt well. I am a silent and angry hurter. I hide myself away from everyone and only let them see the surface. I speak with my head and hide my bleeding heart. For those around me that know how much I hurt, or love me enough to be able to read when I am hurting, I am short and frustrated. I push them away to protect myself from having to be vulnerable.
I am strong, always have been. Life has thrown some crazy things at me and I just learn to dance around them. I suck at being the victim. I cannot own the pain that others have caused me. Instead I play it off with thick skin, trying to turn that hurt into anger so that I can turn it into motivation to work even harder to be even stronger so that I will not be weak.
I take pride in being a good and dependable person. I like to be the one who's got her shit together that people come to when they have problems and I listen and offer advice when it is solicited. I fail at failure. I beat myself up and get so frustrated at myself for not being perfect. I mull over and over and over my mistakes, grilling them into my brain so I will never again be a failure.
Today I hurt so deep because people who said they loved me hurt me because I was not being the person I was supposed to be. All of the pieces of my world are shattered and will never fit back together, so I am struggling to make a new picture, but it's so hard to see the light when everything is so dark. I don't know how to be weak. I don't know how to be vulnerable. I don't know how to forgive myself for making mistakes.
I had hoped God would keep the peace He had placed over my heart over all of this, but He didn't. I feel it all slowly creeping in. I can only see a small corner and I am already so overwhelmed. I can completely own my mistakes, my mom raised me well that way. But I look at the overall picture and I see how blind I was to the mistakes of others. I want to be angry, I want to hate them but all I do is HURT. I feel the horrible lies of "well then I guess I wasn't worth it" creep in and I HATE them and push them away because I KNOW better thanks to love of my heavenly Father. But what does that leave then? Do I think negatively of people who I love the most in my life? I can't. I just cannot believe in my heart horrible things about people who I love so dearly despite the hurt they have caused me. So then what?
I am left with the hole in my heart that aches so bad and no one to blame. No where to channel the pain, no motivation to create. I have daily reminders of how much I hurt and no where to focus that emotion. So I hide and I cry and I hurt. I own the pain that others have caused me. I forgive myself for my failures. Over and over and over. This is all I can do and hope that at some point it will start hurting a little less and I will start healing.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Change
Recently I was reading a blog where a young woman who I admire talked about God speaking a word for her year. I thought about what a cool thing that was in her personal relationship with God and moved on. Now, here I sit, wide awake at 4:30 in the morning with my word (even though I didn't ask for one): Change. What a scary word and yet what amazing potential it has.
Reflecting on 2011 I feel like I spent this last year being the ugliest person I have ever been. I made selfish decisions over and over again because I began to believe that the world had something to teach me that God didn't want me to know. (Hmm... where have we heard that lie before?) In the process of devouring my "apple" that the world gave me, I believe I hurt almost everyone around me and especially those close to me. Toward the end of the year I began to turn it around, regain focus on God's plan for my life and the amazing people He has surrounded me with. Yet in the mist of it, something still felt like a cloud over me even though I couldn't quite put my finger on it.
There is a Reliant K song that says "I'll kill the thing turns me away, amputate the arm that will disobey." That line has always made me quiver. Really? You would cut off your own arm? The thing I never realized was, two years ago when I released my own will to God, I gave him permission to amputate for me when I didn't have the strength. He did that today and boy does it hurt.
"Change," He whispers. I know He means good change, one that will make me stronger and healthier in the end. However, change means pruning and growth, both which are painful. Change means doing things differently then you have in the past and most of the time that feels unnatural. This is going to feel so unnatural for sure.
What I love so much about God is His grace. In this moment of deep pain He refuses to let me have a pity party or take responsibility that isn't mine to bare. While there is so much pain there is also this crazy peace, a relief. I know this is what's best for me, for my family, for God's kingdom. I will survive this and come out stronger on the other side. I will change.
Another thing I love about God is that I have found when he "amputates" a limb, He often replaces it with a new and most often better one. This limb He has removed from me is not replaceable, but that does not mean that God cannot fill the whole it has left with something far greater then I could have asked for. He promises to do so, as long as it leads you closer to Him. I'm calling Him out on His promise on this one!
Change. It feels big. While I am terrified, I am trusting God on this one. That's the only way to go, right?
Reflecting on 2011 I feel like I spent this last year being the ugliest person I have ever been. I made selfish decisions over and over again because I began to believe that the world had something to teach me that God didn't want me to know. (Hmm... where have we heard that lie before?) In the process of devouring my "apple" that the world gave me, I believe I hurt almost everyone around me and especially those close to me. Toward the end of the year I began to turn it around, regain focus on God's plan for my life and the amazing people He has surrounded me with. Yet in the mist of it, something still felt like a cloud over me even though I couldn't quite put my finger on it.
There is a Reliant K song that says "I'll kill the thing turns me away, amputate the arm that will disobey." That line has always made me quiver. Really? You would cut off your own arm? The thing I never realized was, two years ago when I released my own will to God, I gave him permission to amputate for me when I didn't have the strength. He did that today and boy does it hurt.
"Change," He whispers. I know He means good change, one that will make me stronger and healthier in the end. However, change means pruning and growth, both which are painful. Change means doing things differently then you have in the past and most of the time that feels unnatural. This is going to feel so unnatural for sure.
What I love so much about God is His grace. In this moment of deep pain He refuses to let me have a pity party or take responsibility that isn't mine to bare. While there is so much pain there is also this crazy peace, a relief. I know this is what's best for me, for my family, for God's kingdom. I will survive this and come out stronger on the other side. I will change.
Another thing I love about God is that I have found when he "amputates" a limb, He often replaces it with a new and most often better one. This limb He has removed from me is not replaceable, but that does not mean that God cannot fill the whole it has left with something far greater then I could have asked for. He promises to do so, as long as it leads you closer to Him. I'm calling Him out on His promise on this one!
Change. It feels big. While I am terrified, I am trusting God on this one. That's the only way to go, right?
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