Farts

On beautiful sunny days my mom, dad and I used to "go for a drive". Sometimes we would drive to the mountain, or the apple orchards, just somewhere beautiful. We'd be driving along, mom blasting Celine Dion or Fleetwood Mac and all of us just taking in Oregon at its best. Then my dad would fart. It would be the most foul, rank, rotten egg bomb! Mom and I would scream, dad would laugh all while mom struggled for a ciggarette and lighter to cover the smell.

I feel like I have been breathing farts. I know that sounds gross, but seriously think about what a distraction that is. Here you can be in a beautiful moment and it is ruined, ruined! I have been trying to focus on the beauty and truth around me, but it's so hard when you can't breath.  What's sad is that after time, you get used to the "smell." You may no longer be completely distracted, but it's still there, poisoning the air, ruining the moment.

I have always believed things about myself that have held me back from fully enjoying relationships, I had farts hanging around, if you will. I would be in a moment with someone bearing our souls, or sharing something joyful or beautiful and I wouldn't be getting it all. There would be this sour smell telling me "you're still not good enough," or "they really don't care, you're just the only option they had." Then up would go my walls, like covering my mouth and nose with the collar of my shirt. I don't want to talk, I don't want to breath, I don't want to love, I don't want to trust.

Someone rolled down the window. Someone did something so I could not only go back to seeing the beauty I saw before, but now I could breath and taste the beauty. Someone who didn't want me to miss a moment.

I think we often forget how God loves us. We think- yeah yeah, He loves me, died for me and forgives me.- It gets old. We live in the "what" and forget the "why". Why did Jesus die? So we could go to heaven and party? I don't think so. Will that happen? Yes. However, I have learned that there is so much more. He did it to be close to me. He did it because He loves all of who I am. He did it so that I can live a life chasing after His heart and feeling Him live in me. He did it so I can live in beauty without distraction of sin. Guiltless, without insecurity, without doubt and fee from the fog that sin creates in our surroundings. He did it so I can submit to my neighbor, so I can love freely. He did it so I can LIVE. I can experience Heaven on earth, I can experience life and relationships and breath and adrenaline and madness and joy!

I'm so ready for life. I am so ready to breathe.